Billboard Shits

---------- I DON'T KNOW WHO TO BLAME ----------

Thursday, May 5, 2011 (repost from 5/17/2009)

Ya know, there was a time when Jamie Foxx was a comedian and comedic actor and the thought of him doing serious roles was a joke (Like he was doing in his act! It's a pun! Get it? Not even clever! And I pointed it out anyway! For comedic value! Was there any? Is this large amount of short sentences inside parentheses funny? That was a long sentence. This getting irritating? Oh who gives a fuck.) That time was 2009. I don't care how good he was in Ray -- but after proving he could sing legit and getting rave reviews from everybody, it seems somebody got in his ear and he decided it would be smarter to shit into a microphone and sell it to the idiot masses than to add some respectable bulk to his resume. I haven't necessarily bothered following the man's career, but he did Collateral in 2004 and people began thinking he might be worthwhile, then Ray solidified it. Then he put out the song "Blame It (On The Alcohol)". And that is a solid piece of shit. It was warm and soft for a while, but now it's been sitting outside for a while through rain and snow and cold weather and some warm days, but not warm enough to thaw the dung, so it has stayed hard.

I was actually disappointed when I found out it was a Jamie Foxx song, but then I remembered I don't give a darn about the guy. So now I'm just going to make fun of him.

Blame It (On The Alcohol)

She said she usually don't
But I know that she front
'Cause shawty know what she want
She don't wanna to seem like she's easy

Apparently Mister Foxx is well aware of this young lady's promiscuous past and knows that she loves playing hard to get before allowing random gentlemen to do with her as they please.

I ain't saying what you wanna do
But you know we're probably gon' do
What you been feelin' deep inside
Let it out now

DATE RAPE! (Wait... that was actually a good song)

Girl what you drinkin', gon' let it sink in
Here for the weekend, thinkin', we can
See where we could be if we press fast forward
Just one more round and you're down I know it

How far forward does that button bring us? Sunday morning? You just told EVERYBODY you're only going to be around for the weekend, so don't try to backpedal, Jamie. The next scene in this movie doesn't involve you and this impressionable young woman and YOU DARN WELL KNOW IT. For shame. But to be fair, at least you're planning ahead and assuming she's just going to forget about it, and with the inevitable alcohol poisoning (Just one more round? Really?) she'll be even less likely to think about who did what to her and how.

Fill another cup up, feelin' on your butt what
You don't even care now, I was unaware
How fine you was before
My buzz set in, my buzz set in

Admitting to inappropriate touching and calling a girl ugly at the same time? Come on now. Please don't tell me Jamie wrote this shit. It's ridiculous. Do women enjoy this song? Probably. Have any of said women listened to the lyrics? Probably not. Oh, and was there nothing better than "what" after "butt"? Granted I laugh every time I hear it, but come up with a better rhyme, jerkoff. I mean, why not just go the distance? "Feelin' on your butt, slut" would have been perfect. It keeps with the theme of the song's lyrics -- though it doesn't keep with the theme of the song's lyrics being poorly written, so I guess the "what" does, indeed, fit. So I'll stop bitching. No I won't.

Ooh see, she spilled some drink on me
And now I'm knowin' she tipsy
She put her body on me
And she keeps staring me right in my eyes

Where's the continuity? She's not just "tipsy" if earlier you said if you could just shove one more drink down her gullet you'd be able to shove your cock down her gullet sans protest. And she's not staring into your eyes because she wants something. She's just desperately trying to focus her eyes, and you keep getting in her line of sight. She's trying not to puke on your shirt right now, even though your intentions are to make her puke on your dick in a few minutes. Which is kinda hot, to be fair. Maybe Jamie isn't such a bad guy after all.

No tellin' what I'm gon' do
Baby, I would rather show you
What you been missin' in your life
When I get inside

Everybody knows what you're going to do. You're gonna fuck her. Rape, really. Date rape. I believe I may have brought the subject up earlier. And we all know you're referring to your penis when you say you're going to show her what she's been missing in her life. And "when you get inside" means when you put it in her young, likely already ravaged, vagina. You aren't being clever.

T-Pain

That's what we were missing! An introduction of somebody even worse than Jamie Foxx! Let's see what he has for us...

Girl, I know you feel good
Just like you look, couple more shots
You open up like a book, I ain't trippin 'cause I'm-a read ya
Shawty, I ain't trippin', I jus' wanna please ya

She looks and feels good. That's the genius of that lyric. He already established that she feels good (she doesn't) and then just adds that it's just like she looks. Which is good. Since that's how she feels (she doesn't). Then a double entendre! She opens like a book. Meaning her legs. Between which her vagina rests. And she's also like a book insamuch that she is easy to just open up and decipher. And again, just like Jamie talked about, feed her just a tiny bit more alcohol and she'll stop fighting and just lay down and let it happen. I'm also not falling for the "I just wanna please ya" line. You've exposed far too much of your plan, gentlemen. Five words doesn't negate a "song" full of rapey intentions.

I'm-a take a shot of Nuvo, shawty, then you know
It's going down, we can go kick it like Judo
You know what I mean
Shawty got drunk, thought it all was a dream
So I made her say I, I

Did you think the Judo line was so gosh-darned clever that you needed to add in just one more type of alcohol? You didn't even come up with the fuckin' line. People have been saying (and it still isn't funny, by the way) "kick it like Judo" for years. And then yet another admission of guilt. He got her so drunk that he wanted her to think it was a dream. Yeah, guys, because they never believe it when a woman say she was taken advantage of. Oh the lack of foresight.

Now she got her hand on my leg
Got my seats all wet in my ride
All over my ride

Her hand was on your leg because she was trying to balance herself. And she isn't turned on. It's not her wet pussy. The girl pissed herself. SO HOT.

She look me dead in the eye
Then my pants got bigga
She already knew what to figga
Had her lookin' at her boyfriend like, "Fuck dat nigga"

Hey! We haven't used "nigga" yet! That's a prerequisite for all hip hop! Quick, let's make a rhyme! And we also snuck in an infidelity reference. This song just keeps getting less and less reprehensible. Or more and more. I confuse those words on a regular basis. Whatever means it's bad.

Now to the ballas poppin' bottles
With they henny in they cups screamin'
Money ain't a thing, if it ain't throwin' it up in the sky
Hold your drinks up high

I don't even know what the fuck this is supposed to mean.

And to my independent ballas
Who can buy they own bottles
If you lookin' like a model
When them broke fellas holla, tell 'em, bye
Hold your drinks up high

This last little bit is quite interesting. After an entire song about rape, Jamie and the boys let all of the ladies know they shouldn't allow themselves to be ravaged by poor people. Just by the rich. Because rich people are better. At raping. Let us all remember that important lesson.


- Nicholas A. Marsico

---------- JUST CHOKE ME THRU THE PHONE ----------

Thursday, May 5, 2011 (repost from 7/23/2009)

Do I really need an introduction for this? It's Soulja Boy. That alone should take care of any hurtful commentary I might add as a lead-in to this garbage juice filled trash bag of a song.

Soulja Boy - Kiss Me Thru The Phone

Soulja Boy tell 'em

Yeah Soulja Boy! Tell us! Actually no, don't. Shit, my first response is the one that counts? Fuck.

Baby, you know that I miss you
I wanna get wit you tonight
But I can't my baby girl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now

We get it. You miss her. And you wanna kiss her. But you can't. You said the first and last twice. Maybe you don't really wanna kiss her.

So baby kiss me thru the phone
I'll see you later on
Kiss me thru the phone
See you when I get home

I see where he's going with this. Checklist of things we now know:

• He misses her
• He wants to get "wit" her
• He can't get "wit" her
• He wants to kiss her
• He can't kiss her
• He'll see her later on when he gets home

Fascinating stuff.

Baby I know that you like me, you my future wifey
You can be my Bonnie, I can be your Clyde
You could be my wife, text me, call me

Because we all know that *like* equates to marriage. This coming from the man who likes to cum on women's backs and then make them sleep on their stomachs with a sheet over their backs. And the guy who is proud of telling a girl that she "stank" and that she needs to take a bath over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over in the course of a 4 minute song (4 minutes? Really? FUCK). I don't have a problem with him being Clyde, though. That means only a few more years of this dope before a timely demise. And are you asking her to accept your wedding proposal via text message? Was that a proposal? Man, you really move quick - she likes you, you think she's your future wifey, and 5 seconds later you're asking for her hand. This boy wastes no time on courting a lady.

I need you in my life, yeah all day everyday I need ya
And every time I see ya my feelings get deeper
I miss ya, I miss ya, I really wanna kiss you but I can't
Six, seven, eight, triple nine, eight, two, one, two

So are your feelings not so deep right now because you haven't seen her in a while? Or did you just go around the corner to ask an older boy to buy you some alcohol? Oh, and WE GET IT. You want her to call you. One would think that if you were SO close to marrying her, the bitch would have your number. That's right, now I'm attacking her. That's what happens when you fraternize with this bum.

Baby I been thinking lately so much about you
Everything about you, I like it, I love it
Kissing you in public, thinking nothing of it
Roses by the dozen, talking on the phone

HOLY FUCK ENOUGH ABOUT THE PHONE ALREADY

Baby you so sexy, your voice is so lovely
I love your complexion, I miss ya, I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss you but I can't
Six, seven, eight, triple nine, eight, two, one, two

How can you see her complexion over the phone? This song is FUCKING STUPID.

She call my phone like
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
We on the phone like
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da

That seems to be the high intelligence that travels through the phone lines when Soulja Boy makes a phone call. He really shouldn't be sharing such personal information with us though. Now everybody knows that he da da da da da da. I smell a scandal!


- Nicholas A. Marsico